The (He)art of Rebuke
לֹא תִשְׂנָא אֶת אָחִיךָ בִּלְבָבֶךָ הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא
Do not hate your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your fellow, and do not bear a sin on his account.[1]
The Gemara records a most unusual discussion concerning the question of until when a person is required to rebuke his fellow. One opinion says until the rebuked party hits him, a second opinion says until he curses him and the third opinion says until he insults him. What are we to make of these opinions? Is there any other mitzvah in which a person is obligated where we say that if someone hits or curses you then you are exempt?
R’ Yaakov Kamenetzky[2] explains. The mitzvah of rebuke is clearly very sensitive in nature, as it involved letting someone know that they are doing something wrong. As we can appreciate, for someone who thrives on pointing out other people’s flaws, this is literally a Godsend, for now it is a mitzvah to do so. In fact, this can very quickly become their favorite mitzvah in the entire Torah, and for all the wrong reasons!
To this end, the Torah establishes that there is a correct and an incorrect way to do this mitzvah. The verse prefaces this mitzvah by saying, “do not hate your brother in your heart,” as if to say, rebuke should not be the product of your contempt or disdain for your fellow Jew. This is potentially a great disappointment for one who feels that the mitzvah of rebuke is only fully fulfilled when the person is left feeling utterly worthless, both as a Jew and as a human being. Indeed, the litmus test for whether one is rebuking for the right reasons is to ask: Where does my satisfaction in this mitzvah come from? In pointing out that the person did something wrong or in helping him get it right?
Moreover, the mitzvah of rebuke is only meaningful when it is positively received by the rebuked party. This itself will only happen if it is administered with empathy and positivity; otherwise, it is a complete waste of time at best – and will foster animosity at worst. Indeed, as Rashi explains, the final phrase of the verse, “and do not bear a sin on his account,” informs us that administering rebuke can be a sin if it causes the other person embarrassment.
This, says Rav Kamenetzky, is the meaning of the Gemara’s “exemption” at the point where the rebuke has led to blows, curses or insults. This does not represent the point that one has fulfilled the mitzvah, but rather, it is the point where it becomes clear that one is currently incapable of fulfilling the mitzvah, so that there is no longer any point in continuing.
The concept of rebuking through love is epitomized very movingly in the following story which was related by a concentration camp survivor. Every day, the inmates in the camp would be given a single slice of bread, which they would gobble down as soon as they could. This was both due to being close to starvation as well as a fear that something may happen to the bread if they did not eat it right away. On one occasion, this survivor, who was a boy at the time, had received his bread and immediately ate it. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to find an old man looking him. The man said, “That is not a way for a Jew to eat, like an animal, without making a berachah first.” The man then took his piece of bread, broke it in half, handed one half to the boy and said, “Here, this time make a berachah.”
When rebuke from someone is accompanied by half of his starvation rations, you know that he has your well-being at heart.
It is worthwhile mentioning in the regard a most beautiful interpretation of the Shelah Hakadosh of the verse in Mishlei[3] which says:
אַל תּוֹכַח לֵץ פֶּן יִשְׂנָאֶךָּ הוֹכַח לְחָכָם וְיֶאֱהָבֶךָּ
Do not rebuke a scoffer lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.
On the face of it, it appears that the scoffer has no hope of being rebuked successfully, so that one should rather focus his efforts on the wise. However, the Shelah Hakadosh explains that both parts of the verse are referring to the same person! If someone is doing something that requires correction, and you rebuke that person as a scoffer, you will do nothing other than create alienation and antagonism. However, if you engage the same person as a wise man, with consideration and respect, he will appreciate your words and they will be met with positive feeling – and hopefully foster a positive outcome.
[2] Commentary Emes le’Yaakov to our verse. See also ibid. Bereishis 29:4.
[3] 9:8.