Flowers on Coffins and Graves

Is it permissible to place flowers on a coffin or a grave, as is common in the non-Jewish world?

The Talmud seems to shed some light on this issue. It records that Rav Assi and Shila argued bitterly between themselves about a certain halachic matter. Some time later, both Rav Assi and Shila died, and their funerals were held together. At the funeral, myrtle branches were placed on each of their coffins. As the story goes, the myrtle branches miraculously switched places, each jumping from one coffin to the other. This was deemed to be a sign that Rav Assi and Shila had reconciled and made peace with each other in heaven.

It seems from here that it was once customary to place myrtle branches on the coffins of the dead. There is also some evidence that not only myrtle branches, but other flowers and spices were placed on coffins, as well. One was even permitted to cut myrtle branches and flowers on Yom Tov for this purpose.

The primary reason that flowers have been part of non-Jewish funerals for thousands of years is to mask the foul odors of a dead body. With Jewish funerals taking place promptly following death, often on the same day, there is no need for such flowers. Flowers are also considered to be a sign of honor and sympathy.

Based on the story of Rav Assi and Shila, it appears that there should be no halachic problem with placing flowers upon a coffin at a funeral. Others hold that only myrtle branches may be placed upon coffins and graves – just as was done for Rav Assi and Shila -- but not any other type of flower or vegetation. Furthermore, it is argued that perhaps myrtle branches were only placed upon the coffins of sages such as Rav Assi and Shila, but not that it was an honor necessarily shown to everyone. According to these two approaches, there is little or no grounds in Jewish tradition for including flowers at funerals. As such, placing flowers on a coffin may very well be a violation of the prohibition against following non-Jewish customs, and therefore forbidden accordingly. Most contemporary authorities rule in accordance with this view.

Placing flowers upon a grave, at any time, is even more problematic than placing flowers on a coffin at a funeral. One of the reasons for this is the rule that all the dead should be treated equally. There is some concern that flowers on some graves in a cemetery, and not on others, may appear as if the dead have the ability to demonstrate wealth or status. It is interesting to note that it is forbidden to intentionally smell flowers that have been placed on a grave. This is because it is forbidden to benefit from the dead, or anything used for their care, in any way.

Nevertheless, it is difficult to say that placing flowers upon coffins or graves is an outright violation of halacha. This is because it is only forbidden to engage in non-Jewish practices that originate from idolatrous sources or are without any logical basis. It is perfectly permissible to engage in non-Jewish practices that have no idolatrous source, especially when they are constructive and beneficial. Since placing flowers upon a coffin or a grave nowadays is done solely in order to show honor to the deceased and sympathy for the grieving family (a nice and logical gesture), it is not a violation of the prohibition against imitating non-Jewish practices. As such, we should not overly object to those who choose to do so.

The Jewish way of showing honor to the dead when visiting their graves is to place a small stone upon their tombstone. It is explained that doing so honors the deceased by letting others know that the grave has been visited. It is also related to the ancient custom not to read the inscriptions on tombstones. We are taught that placing a stone on a tombstone is also considered to be participating in the “construction” of the tombstone, as well. Indeed, piling stones upon a grave is a custom that dates back to the biblical era. My friend Rav Elchanan Printz points out that the notrikon of “stone” (even) is “father-son” (av-ben), as if to say that the stone represents our wish that Jewish tradition continue from father to son, from one generation to the next. One should also place one’s hand upon the tombstone for a few moments when visiting a grave.

We’ll conclude with a story that offers an alternative approach to the source for placing stones upon a grave:

Sometime during the Turkish occupation of Israel, on a Shabbat, an Arab was murdered in Jerusalem. Quickly, the rumor spread that he was killed by a Jew, and an immediate expulsion order was declared. The Jews of Jerusalem had to pick themselves up and leave or be killed. A noted kabbalist (mystic) came upon the scene of the crime, which was crowded with Arab onlookers. Even though it was Shabbat, the kabbalist wrote one of God’s names on a piece of paper and placed it upon the body of the dead man. The dead man rose and pointed to one of the Arabs standing in the crowd who became violently afraid and admitted that he had done the killing. The expulsion order was rescinded.

Shortly afterward the kabbalist, who was an elderly man, approached the chevra kadisha (burial society) and asked that his tombstone be pelted with stones after his death because he had written during Shabbat. He understood that due to the danger to life, he had been permitted to desecrate the Shabbat, but he felt that some form of repentance was in order nevertheless. Stoning his grave would symbolize the stoning penalty meted out to Shabbat desecraters. At first the chevra kadisha refused because of the implied dishonor the stoning would represent to so righteous a Jew, but the kabbalist persisted. Finally, they agreed to place stones on his grave, but only if they would institute the custom that all graves would have stones placed on them in the future. If stones were place on everyone's grave, it would not be a dishonor to the kabbalist. From then on, stones were placed on the graves of all Jews buried in Jerusalem, and from Jerusalem the custom spread, and today Jews all over the world place stones on tombstones when visiting a grave.

This may not be (no, it certainly isn’t) the actual source of the custom, but it's a nice story.